I’m overwhelmed.

A lot has happened in the last few months. *chuckles* It feels like I lead with that line a lot, but honestly I’m a little overwhelmed with all of this.

In my latest update post, I made a confession that was hard to do. I thought, how do I bring something like that up? And to be truthful, it’s been difficult to admit it out loud.

I didn’t really notice or understand how badly the situation had affected me and it’s still very hard to talk about. It still feels very real. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see certain things the same way. Sometimes I’ll think of things or I’ll see things that just remind me of things I wish I could just forget about. It’s like a bruise that’ll hurt forever but for different reasons and at random times.

I hurt for others. I hurt for all of those who live through what I went through every day of their lives. I see things now in public or online and it hurts a lot. I hurt because I’m more nervous and anxious than usual. I still flinch in certain situations. I’m sensitive to certain topics or subjects. I don’t want to be, but I am. It’s all still very traumatic. And most of it is irrational.

I find myself reminding myself that I’m not living that kind of life anymore. Reassuring myself that whatever happened will never happen again. That I’m safe now. 🙂 And I know all of this to be true, but it just hasn’t settled my anxiety yet.

But that’s not what’s overwhelming me the most. It’s not the sadness and anxiety, it’s the amount of happiness and joy that I’ve felt that’s what’s most overwhelming.

I learned to love again. Like really LOVE!

I’m seeing someone new. And he’s absolutely amazing. This guy encourages me to listen to music. Encourages me to just sit down and write. He’ll sing songs with me on the radio. He’s been the one to help me learn how to love again. He’s taught me how to love myself and everything that makes me, me. The amount of support and love he’s shown me has been overwhelming. I don’t even think he knows how much of a dream these last few weeks have been. He has not the slightest idea how much he’s helped me. There just aren’t enough words to describe how thankful I am to have him around.

I regained my love of music. I listen to music in the car now. I also put on music while I’m by myself at home. I didn’t realise how much I missed it. Like, I could honestly burst into tears. Joyful tears. Because, as I type this I’m sitting by myself listening to music. Something I had long forgotten how, or wasn’t allowed, to do. I had forgotten how to love music. How crazy is that? I’m shaking my head while re-reading it.

I’ve regained my love of writing. The ideas flow so smoothly out of my mind now. It was like I had a writer’s block that was so dense I never thought I’d write again. A blank page was so daunting. Now a blank page is a challenge, it’s so much just waiting to written out. All these ideas that I’ve had on the back burners in my mind are bursting through and my brain wants to write it all out. Get these stories out there fast!

And all of this freaks me out. I went from a point so low in my life to this! Within just a couple months. I feel better than I’ve ever felt before. My friends and family have been such a great support group. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I am just so, so grateful.

I’d like to thank my mom who came over for my birthday. It was a short visit but it was so perfect. My mother is one of my biggest inspirations and having her around helped me survive this huge event in my life. Also, a giant shout out to Heather. She’s been by my side through so much. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Girl, if you’re reading this, THANK YOU! .

To all my friends and family, you’ve all saved me. I am so thankful for having all of you in my life.

Gah, I know, I know. So serious, so deep. I’ll stop now. I’m making myself cry from being so darn happy. Sheesh. ❤

A lot has happened.

I’ve been trying to write this post for a long time now. How do I start it. I have so much on my mind. So much to say.

At first I thought well I should just say everything. In one long post. Explain exactly what has happened to me. Explain exactly how I feel. I realise now that it’s too much. It’s too much to write it all down in one sitting. It’s physically and mentally too exhausting.

I was abused.

I didn’t even realise what was happening at first. I didn’t see all the red flags. Almost a full year I stayed with that guy… He poisoned my mind. Told me I wasn’t good enough, told me I was bringing all of this upon myself. The insults, the cruelty, the hitting. It was all my fault. I won’t go into details because they truly are horrifying.

So it’s done. I got out of the toxic relationship that almost ruined me. Almost.

You see, I’m not this horrible person that he made me believe that I was. I’m not useless, stupid, dumb or pathetic.

I’m so much more than that. I’m nice, smart, lovable, talented, honest, etc. I’m a good person. And I almost forgot how great I was… I can’t believe I almost let this man control my life and change the way I think about myself.

Leaving him has changed my life around. I listen to music again, I have the itch to write again. I sing songs again. I smile now. I’ve become so strong and confident.

My advice to you:

If you’re in a relationship and you’re having doubts. Leave. Relationships are hard sometimes, but loving someone shouldn’t be hard. Love is supposed to come easily. If whoever you’re with puts you down and doesn’t support you and what you believe in. Leave him or her. It isn’t worth your time to be with someone who doesn’t make you happy. And if ever you are touched or hurt physically, you leave that person immediately. No ifs ands or buts. No matter how much he or she tells you they love you. You should never ever have to be hurt. (unless you’re into some weird sex stuff). Don’t let anyone lay a hand on you. If you’re having a hard time leaving a relationship, find someone you can trust. Get the help you need and leave that person. You’re worth it. Trust me, you are worth so much more than that.

 

 

My 10 Stages of Getting a Haircut

So I recently went for a haircut (took off a good 7 inches) and I’ve realized that I go through the same ritual every single time. I have extremely thick hair and it stays surprisingly healthy, but it grows like a monster. Here are the 10 thoughts I go through when deciding that I need a haircut.

*Looks at self in the mirror*

1. Ugh! My hair is way too long. I can’t do anything with it. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be sleeping and then get your hair caught in your armpits. It’s annoying. I’ll book an appointment to get it cut tomorrow morning.

*Forgets to make appointment*

2. People must think I’m boring. It seems like ponytails are the only hairstyle that I know how to pull off. I’ll remember to make that appointment sometime this week because I’ve had enough of this hair. 

*6 months later*

3. I’m disappointed in myself. My showers last a good 30 minutes… The hair washing alone takes 25 of those minutes. I’ve waited way too long for this haircut. Enough is enough Natalie, make yourself an alarm on your phone and book that darn appointment!

*Books appointment*

4. You know, I should probably find a personal hairdresser. I always get someone different and it’s never done the right way. Heck, I don’t even know what to ask for. I don’t know the terms of different cuts. I basically just leave my life in the hands of whoever has those darn scissors. Ah well, one more time won’t hurt though right?

*Looks at self in the mirror two days before haircut*

5. I should chop it all off, like to my shoulders or something… Who needs all this hair anyways, It’s not like I can do anything with it. I just need to go in there and do this. No holding back, no regrets. 

*Two hours before the haircut*

6. But my hair is so long… It took so long to grow and it looks so nice sometimes… Okay more like rarely but still… I don’t want to cut it all off… I love my hair! 

*Gets to appointment and sits in the chair*

7. You know what, just chop it all off hair cutting lady. I’ll be happy with whatever you give me. I swear.

*Leaves appointment and sits in car*

8. I have to pretend that I’m happy until I get to my car. She blow dried my hair… I hate blow drying my hair. I feel like a lion. God I hate it. Why did I even get this haircut. My hair is so pouffy. I will never make this hairstyle look good on my own. 

*Gets home and takes shower to let it air dry*

9. That is so much better… I like this haircut now. It looks surprisingly good on me. But I also miss my long hair. Can I even put this in a ponytail? Barely.

*Next day after haircut*

10. You know what, as much as I like this new hair, I think I’ll let it grow out again. But I promise this time, I won’t let it get that long. 

AND REPEAT!

And I do the same thing over and over. It’s a never ending circle that I just can’t break.

You can check out my transformation on instagram. There’s a picture there with my new hair as well as some with my long hair. https://instagram.com/natalieleblanc7/

Thanks for reading! 🙂

Get yourself together woman.

So remember my little post a few weeks ago about 2015? Well as predicted I didn’t post so often after that. I am however trying to get myself on some kind of schedule because I feel somewhat caught in a storm right now. I feel like regular posting will help keep my thoughts in order.

You may have also read my older post about finding a new teen series to read. Well, I gave up that challenge because it requires too much buying. I can’t afford books anymore. Well at least not like I used to… I have a car now. Cars are expensive btw. (don’t get one unless you need one kids)

So I’m limiting myself on how much I can spend per month on books in order to actually afford my bills which seem to be drowning me lately. Instead I’ve tackled the impossible challenge of trying to read as many books that I already OWN as possible.

Pretty much my entire bookshelf sitting right in front of me is full of books that I have never read. Story of every book lover’s life right? I mean come on, new books come out every single week. It’s impossible to keep up with the flow.

Here’s a little story about my good deed of the year so far. 😀

So this little boy came to my work and asked if we had any Pokemon cards for sale. Unfortunately we didn’t. (If so that would have been awesome for me) His parents proceeded to tell me that someone at school had stolen their son’s binder full of Pokemon cards. I felt so bad for the poor guy. He was in grade one so you can imagine how small he was. Anyways, I decided to ask for the parent’s phone numbers and told them that that I just happened to be a Pokemon card collector myself. I promised to go through my cards and give him some that I wouldn’t be needing anymore. I made him some little homemade card packs and customized a new binder with card slots in it so he could rebuild his collection again! It was the least I could do for a fellow Pokemon master 😛IMG_20150122_100659[1]

It feels good to do good things for people! Have you done a good deed this year yet?

-Natalie

I have issues ok? Deal with it!

This is a quick rant about simple things that make me angry.

1. Snow clearing or ice control in cities.

Maybe it’s an Ottawa thing but my goodness, what are the stupid plows doing? You drive around scrapping NOTHING half the time and I know because the minute I hear the scrapping sound of metal, I go check outside my window. Yo bro, there’s this thing on your snowplow that lets you RAISE YOUR PLOW PART! No need to make sparks and freakin RUIN the road. It’s a good thing they can’t hear me when they drive by because they make me so mad.

The worst part is that at all hours of the morning, they are driving next to my building, going back and forth, doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s almost as if they enjoy listening to the loud beeping sounds. Just stop it please. Plow the snow, that is all. My dad brought up the idea that they are probably paid by the hour. That is the best explanation I have heard all year.

And the ice… They take big bags of salt and just fling it on the ice. News flash, if you make a mountain of salt, it won’t melt the ice everywhere. It’ll only melt the ice RIGHT UNDER THE MOUNTAIN OF SALT. Sigh, if you’re going to use salt, spread it around please?

 

2. Facebook

Facebook makes me angry. People put some of the dumbest things I have ever seen. We all know those people that if they aren’t complaining about dumb things, they are bragging about dumb things. WE GET IT, you have money and a great life. Don’t have to rub it into everyone’s faces.

(Let me be clear, not everyone is like this, It all depends on the way they post it and exactly what you say. I am usually pretty excited when I see people’s pictures and it’s fun to see what people are doing. But we all know those annoying people, who just can’t stop.)

 

3. When people give me change.

You go shopping, you buy things, you hand some bills and get change in return. I absolutely HATE it when someone gives me my change bill first then pile the change on top of the bill. Do understand what that takes away from me? It takes away my ability to use my fingers. Now I have to balance all of this change in my hand and somehow get it into my wallet without letting anything fall. WHY DO YOU DO THIS PEOPLE!

It’s a simple concept, hand me my change, so I can clutch it with a few fingers, then hand me the bill, so I can pinch it with two fingers and easily open my wallet and put everything in, without anything falling on the floor. I work as a cashier, I have never EVER handed a bill then change on top. If I do hand the bill first, I make sure they aren’t awkward before giving them the change. You know, to make their lives easier.

 

4. Another money thing…

When I count money, they all have to be the same way. All the faces have to be facing the right direction. I will not, ever, count money if it isn’t all facing the same way.

 

5. Singing and Writing.

I can’t listen to myself sing a song. Sometimes I try recording myself and I just can’t do it, I can’t stand listening to my own voice. I mean it sounds fine and all but it just makes me feel weird. Same as my writing. If someone reads my pieces out loud, I freak out, like please stop it. I don’t know why. I think it goes against why I write. I write my thoughts, I don’t want to hear them out loud… That’s weird.

 

I’m sure I can think of more but I’ll leave at that for now. If any of you do any of these things, please stop it and make my life easier.

It’s almost the weekend guys, hang in there 🙂

– Natalie

 

 

Always remember,

Things have been crazy lately, I have had a lot on my plate. Without going into details, many of my plans have changed. I just want everyone to know that:

Things don’t always go as planned. Don’t feel overwhelmed if they decide to suddenly change.

It’s ok to be afraid or to feel confused but you need to:

Keep your head up no matter what. Don’t look away from what happened but look past it.

Good luck 🙂

What a dream!

Like many people in the world, sometimes I dream at night. And let me tell you, last night’s dream was pretty awesome. I’m talking such a good dream that I have to write a story about it.

I won’t give too much away but it’s about being offered two different life-altering choices and having to turn one down.

It contained many fantastical subjects and it was absolutely amazing.

I hope to give you guys some more details soon once I can get my ideas straightened out.

Nat’s words of wisdom for the day:

Always remember that your dreams are what you live for. Whether it’s a dream you had while sleeping or a dream you hold very close to your heart. I think they are all important. It’s up to you to give them some meaning.

– Natalie